How to Make Friends as an Adult
One of the biggest questions I get asked on TikTok and Instagram is how I’ve managed to make friends in a new city after driving solo across the country and moving to Boston. When I arrived here almost 4 months ago, there was not a single soul who knew my name. Now, I’ve managed to make countless fantastic connections and planted seeds for a new and fruitful community. Making friends as an adult can be daunting, not to mention 10x more difficult during a Pandemic. So how do you do it? I have a few ideas for you.
Believe that you’re a person that people want to be friends with.
First and foremost, you have to believe that you’re a person worthy of great friendships. Do you believe that you have something to offer people? Do you believe that others have something wonderful to offer you, too? If you want to make friends as an adult, you have to be confident in who you are. If you’re unsure about yourself, it can help to make a list of the things you like about yourself. For example, I like that I’m adventurous and open to trying new things. I like that I have a quirky sense of humor and hold space for people to share themselves honestly. What do you like about yourself? What are some positive attributes that you can bring to a friendship? Write it out, don’t hold back. This list is just for you.
The second half of this equation is believing that people are genuinely open to meeting others and making connections. Until proven otherwise, operate under the assumption that every person you meet is open to forming a friendship with you. Seriously! When you approach every conversation with this level of openness and confidence, people are instantly attracted to you. There’s a certain child-like eagerness and curiosity that makes you feel interesting and approachable. 90% of the time, people will reciprocate. And if they don’t, there’s no reason to let it bother you. How people respond to you has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you.
Share your story on social media.
80% of the people I have made connections within Boston have come from social media. When you create content and share your story with others, you give others the opportunity to know who you are. Think about it. Social media mirrors the interactions we have with people offline, just online. The more open you are, the more you share your story, and the more you become a stronger magnet that hyper-attracts people who have similar interests and uphold the same values as you.
Social media is a powerful tool that can be used to build community and forge strong relationships with others. Are you sharing your story yet? If not, what might be holding you back? Oftentimes we fear that if we are “too” honest with others and share the parts of ourselves that we see as weak or defective, we risk the fear of being rejected. The miraculous thing is that the opposite is true. The more we expose ourselves, the more relatable we become. Our stories are powerful; they unify, heal, and bond us together in solidarity. Creating content for your personal brand is one of the best ways to make friends. Let the algorithm do the work for you!
Look for a point of entry.
When I’m out “in the wild” and happen upon people who I think are interesting, I always look for a good point of entry into the conversation. For example, can I offer someone a genuine compliment? Do I like their outfit? Is there something that’s happening around us that I can comment on? Is there a joke I can make? I always look for something casual to bring up in conversation. Right away, I can tell if someone is open to engaging in the conversation further.
Pay attention to facial expressions and body language. If someone is standing with their feet apart, studies show that this person is typically open to engaging with you. If they are uninterested in communicating with you, they will be turned away or limit eye contact. The best thing you can do is be present. Stay in your body and feel instinctivley what to do or how to navigate the conversation with a stranger. Human beings are instinctual. We can discern the best way to engage with others merely by being present in our bodies. Trust yourself! You’ll know the best things to say if you stay in the present moment and refrain from withdrawing inside your head.
Find the commonalities and create space to listen.
Whether you are speaking with someone for the first time in person or online, the best thing you can do is find commonalities and shared interests. What can you both relate to? To find these commonalities, it’s best to ask questions that lead to a deeper understanding of one another. For example, instead of asking someone, “How are you?” I ask, “What are you excited about this week?” The more specific you are in your questions, the more precise the answers will be. When you receive precise answers you can make better-educated guesses about who this person is and what they like and dislike. The deeper you go, the better your conversation will hold and the more likely it will be that they’ll remember you.
The most important thing you can do when meeting someone for the first time is to listen to them. So rarely do we ever receive someone’s full attention that when we do, it feels special. To listen to someone with your full attention is one of the greatest gifts that you can give to another human being. Show them that you care by nodding your head, sitting upright, and making good eye contact. While these suggestions may seem simple, they are often forgotten, especially with so many things that are competing for our attention.
Ask for a phone number or social media handle.
Finally, ask for your new friend’s social media handle or phone number. Don’t be afraid to pull out your phone and take down their information. You can say, “Hey, I’d love to connect with you, do you mind if I grab your IG handle?” Sometimes, exchanging social media handles is easier and less frightening than asking for a stranger's phone number. One of the reasons I like exchanging IG handles is because I’m handing them an invitation to get to know me better. As someone who is building their personal brand, I create and share content that is indicative of the person I am and the things I value most. While I may meet someone only for a brief moment, establishing the connection on social media can deepen the relationship further and give them a better understanding of who I am.
When you’re trying to make friends as an adult, the most important thing you can remember is that you’re a person that people want to be friends with. Be open, exchange thoughtful conversation, and create space for people to share themselves in a place that is non-judgemental and kind. Don’t forget to exchange information at the end of your conversation so you can continue planting the seed for a healthy friendship. Good luck!
