Does it make you uncomfortable when people share their feelings? A story from this week.
A few days ago, I attended a meeting where we were asked to share what was on our minds. I listened with curiosity as each member of the group told their story.
It wasn’t until one woman began speaking that I grew increasingly uncomfortable.
“I have so many feelings,” she said. “I’m going through a lot right now and everything feels hard.” She was expressive, animated, and visibly upset. “I feel things so deeply,” she continued, “I’m an emotional person.”
I squirmed in my chair. Why does this make me so uncomfortable? I couldn’t stop myself from judging her silently in my mind. Can’t you just keep it together? I thought.
Coincidentally, the next day I was scheduled to teach a lesson about emotional intelligence to my coaches in Personal Brand Accelerator. I explained that emotional intelligence is one of the best attributes we can possess as coaches because our job is to hold space for people and listen, really listen, to our students as they share their stories.
We need to give ourselves permission to feel so that consequently, we can also give others permission to feel. When we do this, we create a space that allows for honest sharing, and thus, healing may occur.
When I finished the lesson, I thought about the woman at my meeting. I wondered why I had been so critical of her. Why had her sharing made me so uncomfortable?
Perhaps, my criticism wasn’t aimed toward her, perhaps it was aimed toward myself.
I tried to tuck the thought away and put it back on the shelf. But I couldn’t. The truth was staring me in the face: I hadn’t accepted myself as an emotional, feeling person. Thus, it was difficult for me to accept her.
When I do express my feelings, I often worry I’ll be criticized or seen as weak or defective. To avoid this, I hide or suppress what I’m feeling in an attempt to be seen as strong and composed. But the truth is, I don’t want to hide. As an Enneagram Type Four (IYKYK) I long to be listened to, seen, and accepted for who I am and what I feel. When I am given the space to feel, I am my best, most authentic self.
My mother, for example, is someone I confide in regularly. She listens without judgment and supports me even when I fear I am difficult to be with. Her steadfast love and acceptance has healed, strengthened and replenished me. It has given me the courage to start a business, move across the country, and pursue my dreams with fearless abandon.
As I suddenly realized this, I had immense compassion for the woman I had criticized just a few days before. I forgave myself for being critical of her and I made a promise that I would think twice before placing judgment on someone for feeling “too much.”
If I yearn to be seen, accepted and listened to—I ought to give myself, and others, permission to feel. When we do, we become our best, most authentic selves.
I’m curious, do you give yourself permission to feel? How comfortable are you expressing your emotions?
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