Saying Goodbye to Oakland: A Post on Change, Uncertainty, and Finding Purpose in the Present Moment
In the corner of my childhood bedroom there were 4 cardboard boxes laying flat on their side. I had put them there to motivate me. “This side up” read the label, “Fragile, handle with care.” Those words taunted me for months. All I wanted to do was move to the Bay Area. It was all I could think about: this belief that I could live independently, on my own means, with no more training wheels to break my fall. I used to imagine myself crawling inside those boxes, yet it seldom felt like moving was a real possibility. Until, it was.
I felt immense pride and satisfaction when I signed the lease for my new apartment. It was gutsy. Someone once said to me, “If you can make it in the Bay Area, you can make it anywhere.” On the most anxious of nights, (you know the kind), I clung to those words like a weighted blanket.
I had constructed the totality of my life through the confines of my own imagination.
I told myself, “This is it. This is where I am going to live and work and build a life for myself.” And I was excited. I made plans. I bought furniture. I signed contracts and made commitments. Every day presented me with new opportunities and adventures.
Before I knew it, my business also began to flourish, as did the relationships it brought me. In many ways, I felt I was fulfilling my life’s purpose. I remember thinking, “You dreamed this, Anna. This life was in your dreams, long before it was seen through eyes.”
And then I awoke. It was March 2020 and my phone was buzzing on the glass surface of my nightstand table. I reached over to find 45+ unopened messages in the group chat. I tapped on the article that, moments later, jolted me out of bed in a state of disbelief, “Our lives will look very different a year from now,” it read. And fear escaped my mouth through a gasp.
External security became illusory. Jobs were lost. Cities grew silent. Relationships dissolved while others deepened. And the rest you know—some things fell apart. Other things grew back together. And the summer seemed to slip through my fingers like sand on the seashore.
October 1st, (the day my lease was up), loomed heavily in the distance.“What should I do?” was the only question on my mind. The rules of the game had changed. It seemed like living and working in the Bay Area was no longer a requisite for success. In fact, the more I began to imagine what my future looked like, the more my present circumstances felt incompatible with the future I desired for myself.
I knew that I needed to move, but I had no clear direction as to where, nor as to why I felt so strongly that it was time to leave.
There was a deep restlessness inside of me. I grappled with this for months, weighing my options and doing my best to silence the anxieties that plagued me from approaching the decision with peace and clarity.
One morning I woke up and sat beside my mom on the couch. I had sleepy eyes and messy hair, and a cup of coffee in my hand. I looked at her and said, “I’m going to leave Oakland, put my things in storage, and travel around the country for a while.” I could hardly believe the words had escaped my mouth. But the decision had come to me already-made, there was nothing to think about any longer, nothing to fear.
A deep sense of wisdom and peace washed over me. It was the same feeling I experienced upon moving to Italy while I was in college and most recently to Oakland. It was the same intuition that guided me to start my first blog, co-found Event Hollow, and build my own business as a Personal Brand Strategist. And now, as I prepare to be mobile and travel where I fell led to, this same gut feeling was guiding me.
I used to think that all of us had one life’s purpose we were meant to fulfill. How stressful, to be in search of something so great and vast and obscure. Now, I know that no one purpose lasts forever. I remind myself of this spiritual rule: purpose is wherever you are and whatever you are doing in the present moment.
As you lessen your attachment to outcome, as you become more accepting of uncertainty (and even begin to enjoy it), the possibilities for your life become rich and endless.
I suppose that’s what I want this trip to represent for me. It’s a testament to uncertainty, not knowing what the next month will bring, and learning how to accept that. Learning how to be okay when life isn’t certain and predictable. Having the freedom to put away the moving boxes and travel light is a privilege. Whenever I feel afraid, I cling to this knowledge and draw my attention back to the present moment. I suppose that’s the point: to move in harmony with the ever-changing, ever-evolving reality of life itself.
On October 1st, I say goodbye to Oakland and start this new adventure here in California. I plan to spend some much-needed quality time with my closest friends and family. November is less clear, where will I be? I have some ideas, but I couldn’t tell you for certain 🙃Stay tuned!
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